Well, really, it's been bad for much longer. Since we have moved into this house, nothing has been right. nothing has gone right. nothing feels right. everything has gone haywire and I'm at a loss.
It began with a horrible decision to be with a younger guy who was in the military. We ended abruptly, and that was for the best and I didn't shed a tear. I had an amazing trip to Oregon and made a solid connection with an old acquaintance - he made promises - I made promises - he broke those promises by Christmas. Thanksgiving was pretty horrible - the holidays all together were horrible. New year was horrible - I slept through 12am. Little brother moved in and became disowned for his actions. My mother has not been well. My dad has been getting fucked up beyond belief. Ridiculous rumors were spread and a friendship is in more jeopardy. Had to spend nearly $1,000 last minute to take care of Katy, and we're still not done. Had to cancel my long planned Oregon trip. My sister, yet again, found herself in a fucked in abusive situation and - yet again - we found ourselves rescuing her. This time, it got ugly. Way ugly. And I am bruised and bumped and I can't lift my arms. On top of - I have the flu.
That just nutshelled my last six months. I had a few good weeks. Just a few.
I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm sick. I haven't eaten in days. I'm sore. I'm traumatized. I'm hopeless. I'm desperate. I'm scared. I'm trying so so so hard to just hold on and it's like people keep stepping on my fucking fingers. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I feel ruined. I feel defeated. I feel betrayed. I feel disrespected.
I don't want to do it anymore.
I really really don't.